Like, Ever...

Well here's how that went:

Seattle showed up, rocking a Hawaiian shirt. No joke. A Hawaiian shirt, tucked into his jeans with a great big black belt. So not an attractive look. Not at all.

No interest in him at all.

Then he walked up to me, remember this was a first meeting, and he touched me. (I don't like to be touched. At all. Unless it is by a person that I have given permission to) Not only did he touch me, but he hugged me.

That is a huge No in my book.

Then we went and sat, and started to eat dinner, and he honestly reached across the table four separate times and tried to touch me, hold my hand, whatever.

Again, don't touch me.

He indicated that he thought we were hitting it off, and talked about seeing me again, asking when that would work for me.

My sister called and said she needed me to come over. (I may or may not have sent her an SOS text while walking to the table)

He asked if I wanted to go do something else, go bowling, or something like that.

I declined, stating my need to go to my sister's house.

He walked me to my car, and once again, hugged me. (Ugh!)

After I left, he texted me and asked if I thought we would make a good match, my response was "Probably not, I hope that doesn't sound mean"

And after all of that he said "It's ok, I agree"

Liar. That's ok, I let him save face. It doesn't matter. Either way, I will not be seeing him again.

Like ever.

So basically, I am on a search for the person who will take that nasty thing off the top of my ice cream for me every time.

Rules

Some basic rules to follow if you decide to go the online dating route.
1. Pictures are a must. Pictures with a date stamp, or a current event somewhere in the background are the best.
2. My mother is 22 years older than me. If you are closer in age to my mom than me, leave me alone. 
3. I am 21 years older than my son. If you are closer in age to my son than me, leave me alone.
4. A conversation involves two people. It also involves questions and interaction. You cannot send a message with no content, and no inquisitions and expect an answer.
5. Be realistic in your search. If you live in Arizona, and are staying living in Arizona, don't contact me in Iowa. I am not 10 and I do NOT need a pen pal.
6. Please realize that just because I answered your email, does not mean that I suddenly blocked out every other one. Yes, I am probably emailing or texting more than just you. This isn't junior high. We are grown ups. Deal.
7. An agreement to go to dinner is just that, an agreement to go to dinner. It takes a whole lot more than a 2 for $20 meal at Applebee's to win someone over. Dinner. That's all.
And lastly
8. The word Date is not a synonym for sex. I have a dictionary if you don't believe me.
(Some I have encountered, some not, just my list for today.)

Delivering Bad News

Today, I did something that I haven't had to do in years.  Something that I am really bad at.  Something I was hoping to be able to avoid. 

Today, I had to tell Mr Nice Guy, in no uncertain terms, leaving no doubt of my intent, that I don't want to see him anymore. 

I had to explain that I just don't feel the way that he feels. 
It was crappy.  I don't like doing it.  I feel mean now. 

But now it is done. 

Hunter Hayes - I Want Crazy (Official Music Video)

Daily Insights (pretty boring stuff)

Some insights I have learned so far:
I will not date someone with no kids, or at least I will be very hesitant to.  This may sound weird to some people, or backwards, but there is a reason.  My kids are my priority, and even if you hear those words and agree with them in your head, I don't think you can fully understand if you are not a parent yourself.  Also, I need someone who will understand that when my ex calls, or texts, I will answer him.  Because he has my kids.  Because they are the priority.  I will not stay on the phone with him for an extended chat, but I will answer.  I need the person I am dating to have a grasp on that, not take it personally, and not be weird about it. 

Also, I don't think I can date someone who hasn't been married, or at least in a fairly long term, committed, serious relationship.  I was with my husband for 15 years.  I grew up with him.  He has been a part of my life, and the majority of my life experiences for all of my adult life.  He also will continue to be a factor in my life.  So the man that I date needs to be secure enough in himself, in me, and in our dating to know that if I make an off hand comment about what so-and-so always says, it is not personal.  I can't just pretend he doesn't exist.  I tried.  It doesn't work well.

Next, if the man has more than one "baby-mama" someplace, that doesn't necessarily bother me.  If the man has more than one "baby-mama" who for some reason or another denies him access to his children, then I have to look at what the common denominator is.  I know there is a story to everything, but really, I have to evaluate just how deeply into your story I want to go. 

I want the guy to have his own life.  I mean really, you had a life before you met me, I have a life still.  I don't like the whole, "I'm here whenever you want to see me" thing.  That's nice for a day, but come on, really?  Do something.  I want to know that they are spending time with me because they want to, and not because there was nothing else better to do.   It is totally ok with me if the man has plans on any given day and can't hang out.  That is an indication of a well rounded person, and not a sad sack. 

And spiritual beliefs matter.  So do politics.  Even if you are an idiot and are wrong, have an opinion.  Don't copy mine, don't tell me you don't think about it.  Have an opinion.  You live in this world, pay attention. 

Don't ask me to buy you dinner.  It's just not cool.  If we are dating for awhile, and actually have am established relationship, I will gladly pay.  Not on a first date.  Or a second.  Nice try. 

Ok, so I think that is about it for my rambling today. 

Today has been spent on the phone with Seattle, and texting with him also.  He is at home with his little boy today, so that is pretty cute.  Still looking forward to a Friday night date. 

Thanks for stopping by. 

Seattle

Well after looking thru several profiles, and answering several emails, most of which turned out to be a big waste of time. 
There was one guy, who struck my interest this time around.  He does not live in my town, but a little less than an hour away.  He is a father of one, has a full time job and is divorced. 
Today, my kids went to their dad's house, and I literally spent over 6 hours on the phone with him.  Not running out of things to talk about, laughing and having a good time. 
So, I have a date this coming Friday evening with a guy from Seattle, who has been transplanted to Iowa. 
It should be fun, I am not as nervous now, this first date thing is not as scary now. I am not sure how many first dates I will keep going on, but they aren't so bad now.  Each one reveals a little bit to me about what I am looking for, what I will tolerate, and what I won't. 

Here's looking to Friday, and looking to Seattle. 

Tuesday, no more :-(

If Mr. Nice Guy has taught me anything, it is that I want that spark.  That magnetic pull.  That chemistry.  That Je ne sais quoi.

If Tuesday has taught me anything, it is that the spark does exist.  I am not making it up.  It is possible to feel that way, and now I know what I want it to feel like. 

But Tuesday has also showed me that no matter how big that magnetic pull is, there are some areas of life that are in place, and not easily moved.  That there are some areas that I won't bend on. 
As much as I like him, and as drawn as I am to him, he is a Daddy of 5, and I am a Mommy of 4, and getting those schedules to line up is nearly impossible.  Add to that a 75 mile distance gap, and the schedule seems impossible.  That would be the not easily moved category. 
Then, I had to factor in spiritual belief structures and back grounds.  For me to pursue something with someone that will take that much effort, time, will power and organization, I need to know that there is some form of possible future.  I am sad to say that in this case, at this time, those requirements don't line up. 
So, we said our farewells, and here we go again. 
Don't get me wrong, Tuesday still makes me crazy, but at this time, unless something changes, we will not be seeing each other again. 
I am OK with that, the decision was made over the past few days, and during that time, I just jumped back on that proverbial horse, and looked around Match a little bit more, answered a few more emails and started to talk to someone different. 
but that is a different story....

The fringe (processing out loud, no judgement)

Mr. Nice Guy is still floating around the edges. 
The problem with him, is that even though I feel none of that magnetic pull towards him, apparently he feels it towards me.  He wants me to "commit" to being his girlfriend, and to not see anyone else.

*On a side note, I NEVER thought in my life I would have to define a relationship like that again!*

I told him no, that I have spent the past decade of my life being someones something, and that I am not ready for that.  So I have distanced myself from him, telling him that I am not ready for that. 
The problem lies in that after so long of being, well let's call it compliment deprived, I like it.  It makes me feel like a bad person that I like it, since I don't see it going anywhere. 
But part of me doesn't want to kick him completely to the curb, but keep him on the fringe.  That sounds horrible when said out loud, or seen in print. But in all honesty, it feels great having someone who doesn't share genetic markers with me telling me that I am beautiful, funny, smart, and on and on.  As one person told me, it is like I have to reprogram my brain as to what the new "normal" is for me.  I don't want a lap dog.  I don't want a push over who will do whatever I say, but I would like to be paid attention to once in awhile.   
I have been very clear that my kids come first, and that they always will.  But I am not sure how I feel about a man who so readily says, "I know I will never be number one to you, and I am OK with that, I just want to be around"  I am not sure. 
And then again, there is the lack of spark thing going on too. 
So he calls and asks to take me out again, and I push it off. 
I want to see how things go with Tuesday.  I want to follow that spark and see what happens. 
I don't want to settle, and I am not in a rush. 

Tuesday leads to Wednesday....

The date with Tuesday was amazing and left me smiling like a fool. 
Then on Wednesday, he came to my house, took down my way out of date Christmas lights, and had lunch.  He was here for the majority of the afternoon, until it was time for me to go get my kids from school. 
Being with him all afternoon, was fun, relaxing, comfortable and exciting all at the same time. 
I was sad to see him leave at the end of the day. 
It was so much fun to just sit on the couch with someone, talk, laugh, and just BE. 
Then there was when he kissed me again.  The feeling was the same, complete light-headedness. 
This was the day that my wildest imagination started to get away from me.  I started to think in terms of what if. 
"this slope is treacherous, this slope is reckless, this treacherous, and I.. I.. I like it"

I know you are divorced...

The following is an actual event that happened in my weird life.  I am not making this up.  I wish to high heaven that I was...

I am chilling in the living room with my kids watching tv, and the door bell rings.  It is the kid from down the street.  You know, we all have that neighbor kid who we have never spoken to, just a quick wave when we drive by.  Yeah, that kid.  This is the conversation that followed. 

Kid- Can I mow your grass?
Me- Why?
Kid- It looks long, like it needs mowed.
Me- Yes, it does, but I am not paying you.
Kid- No that's ok, I don't want paid, I just want to help you out.
Me- whatever, I am not paying you, but go ahead if you want.

I then go back inside to my kids and start to make their supper.  The kid finishes the front yard and comes to knock on the door again. 

Kid- can you unlock the back gate?
Me- sure 
(as i walk out the front door to the back yard gate, this conversation happens)
Kid- I know you are divorced, so you could, you know, um, pay me, um in the bedroom....
Me- what? uh no, that's not gonna happen. 
Kid- are you sure?
Me- yeah, really sure, that's nor gonna happen.  Nice try. 
Kid- oh, ok, well I will mow your backyard anyway.  I could take care of it all summer for you for free, you know, for one time inside. 
Me- I can mow it myself. 

The kid then goes into the back yard complete with taking off his shirt, and looking up at my kitchen window on every pass. 

I finally resorted to lying and telling him I have a boyfriend.  This kids was persistent, and at one point even said this line "I know you are divorced, you have what I want, and I have what you need."  What?  Who says that?  This kid watches WAY too many bad porn movies. 

Me- Are we seriously having this conversation? 
Kid- I don't know, are we?  
Again, WAY too many movies kid. 
Me- Honey, I am old enough to be your mama.
Kid- yeah, but that's kind of hot. 

He asked if I didn't have a boyfriend if that would change anything, I told him no.  To go home, since he was done with the grass anyway :-) 

Seriously, I can't imagine having the guts to say that to someone.  Crazy.  You just can't make this stuff up!! 

And fyi, I will be mowing my own grass this summer, and every summer after!

Tuesday!!

My Tuesday lunch date finally rolled around.  There were some scheduling conflicts last minute that had to be worked out, but in the end we both made it work. 
I was a nervous wreck.  I met him at his work.  He came out to the van to meet me.  I have to say, it was a moment like in a movie.  I looked at him for the first time in person, and wow, his eyes drew me in.  They are an amazingly  beautiful shade of green.  Awesome.  Tall, broad shoulders, kind smile. 
Fabulous. 
We sat in this little sandwich diner next to his job site and talked for over and hour and a half. 
When it was time for him to go back to work, he took me thru his job site and explained what he was doing.  I was impressed.  Not only was I impressed by his knowledge of his field, but in the fact that as he explained it, and answered my questions, never once did he seem to talk down to me, another new experience for me.  It was kind of cool being behind the construction tape, seeing things in their in progress stages. 
When he walked me to my car, I didn't really want to leave, but I knew he had to go back to work. 
so we stood there and talked a bit more, I don't remember what about. 
Then he kissed me goodbye.  (He did not ask, like Mr. Nice Guy, instead, he just did it)
Oh my...  With my love of the English language and all of it's complexities, I do not think I can explain the feeling of that kiss.  Or the one that followed.  I literally forgot where my keys were. (They were in my hand)  I staggered on my feet one step, and I was glad my van was right behind me. 
I wanted to go back to the diner and sit down for another hour and a half. 
But he had to go back to work.
So I drove back home.  We both did the kid pick up thing, and got them settled where they needed to be, and I drove back to his house for dinner, all on Tuesday. 
He was like a magnet. 
I went to his house and we just sat on his couch and halfway watched a tv show, but really just talked and talked until it was time for me to leave and go pick up my kids, or in truth, 45 minutes past when I should have left to go pick up my kids. We talked so long, that we forgot to even make supper, and I was totally fine with it, I didn't miss it at all. 
It was by far the best date/day. 
When I finally left his house, I couldn't stop smiling. 
Tuesday was a great day, full of butterflies, excitement, nerves, and little slices of perfection mixed in. 

What?

The dating site that I chose was Match.com.  I chose it because of the amount of traffic it has, and the variety of people on the site. 
Well, someone else that I know apparently chose it for the same reasons. 
I received a text in the middle of the night asking if this was still my number.  I answered yes, that it in fact was, and who was the person contacting me? 
The answer that I received startled me.  It was my sister's ex-husband, telling me that he had come across my profile on Match, and that he was surprised when they assigned an 80% match between the two of us, and what did I think of that? 
I replied something along the lines of, hmm, odd, well good luck. 

He then asked my sister about it, about my single status. 
What? 
Basic rule guys, if you date, marry, and father children with one sister, the other one is off limits.  She IS NOT interested in you.  AT ALL, no matter if you are both single or not.  NO.  Go away.

Butterflies

So, during the week of texting back and forth with Mr. Nice Guy, I was contacted by another.  Hmm, what shall I call him?  I had a date set with him for the following week on Tuesday, so that is what he is called.  Tuesday. 
Well Tuesday is a Daddy.  The kind of Daddy that takes care of his own children, and also picks up the pieces where others have dropped them and cares and provides for and is Daddy to that child also. 
Tuesday is tall, construction worker build, beautiful green eyes, and is bald.  Tuesday give me butterflies, the beautiful kind. 
His profile was impressive.  His voice on the phone is deep and confident.  He has a sense of humor that makes me laugh the whole time I am talking to him. 
When I was hanging out with Mr. Nice Guy, I was thinking about Tuesday. 
We found out by accident one night that we were watching the same TV show on Netflix in two different towns. 
We made our kids the same thing for supper on the same night in our two separate houses. 
As the pre-planned lunch date of Tuesday got closer, I was getting more excited.  The anticipation leading up to actually meeting him in person was ridiculous.  I knew leading up, based on countless phone calls, texts and emails that I liked him already, I was only unsure as to whether he would like me in person or not. 
So, I waited as Tuesday got closer... and the butterflies got bigger...

Mr Nice Guy, Take 2

I had a great date with Mr Nice Guy, again it was fun, he was kind, and very polite and respectful.  I liked him.  But I didn't feel that spark,  that something that makes your heart quicken at the sight of them.  But, I thought I would give him another chance. 
We talked on the phone all week, lots of texting and just general getting to know someone. 
He decided to drive the 45 minutes to the town I live in, and go camping over the weekend.  One evening, I went out to his camp site, we went hiking, built a fire, and roasted marshmallows and hot dogs over the fire. 
It was really fun, relaxing, and a good time.  He was very polite, and kind, even no much as asking if he could hole my hand.  He asked if he could give me a kiss goodbye.  I said yes, but it was weird.  I didn't really feel anything.   He is a really nice guy.  I enjoy his company, and he is fun to be around.  But I don't feel anything.  Just nothing. 
He camped all weekend in a local park.  I had work, and other obligations, and he completely adjusted his schedule to work around it, even bringing me dinner at work while he was in town. 
It was really fun to have someone dote on me, to compliment me regularly, and in general just be all around super kind.
But still nothing. 

Mr. Nice Guy

After the photo mix up, I met another guy.  He was taller than me, that's a plus, he happened to be bald, so that was not counting against him. 
And he was very sweet.  Very complimentary to me.  We went to dinner, after he very politely called and asked me if I would give him the honor of  letting him take me out to dinner.  Mr. Nice Guy chose a mainstream restaurant, one that would be busy, but not so insane on a Saturday evening that a long wait would be required. 
Mr. Nice Guy sent a text to ask me if I had any cologne allergies, he told me he was going to be a little early, but that if I was late, he would not be bothered since he knew I have kids. 
I told him I wanted to meet in a different town than the one that I lived in, and he agreed.  He drove an extra 20 minutes to meet me there. 
He was/is, kind, sweet, generous, and very much not what I am used to. 
We had dinner, we went for a walk next to the river, drove thru and got some coffee (for him, since it is gross)
It was fun.  It was new.  It was exciting. 

I want to get down that a few of my friends had a bit of excitement too, as I was texting them pictures of outfit choices before I left.  This was after all, my first date in over a year, and my first date with someone other than my ex  in over 15 years.  So that in itself was an adventure. 

(This date was on a Saturday evening.) 

What is your type?

As women, I think we spend an extremely large amount of time wondering if a man will like us, or find us attractive.  I spent so much time thinking about whether or not I am his "type," I never really even thought about what my type was. 
When I met my husband, he was a scrawny high school boy. 
When I married him, he was a slightly less scrawny, fresh out of boot camp Marine.
While I was married to him, he became a stocky, just over average build tattooed, Harley driving, man. 
When he was at work, he was a suit wearing, buttoned down professional. 
This was my type. 
He was my type. 

Now, he no longer is, and I have had to think about it.  This is a very strange concept all in itself. 
I have learned a few things, it is all subject to change, but this is what I know so far:
I like height.  Not freakishly tall, but since I am fairly short, I want the guy I date to be several inches taller than me. 
Build isn't as important, slender or stocky is not the issue, but not flabby. I don't mean chiseled, but not rolling in a giant beer belly.
 (Maybe it is the same as the height thing, I am short you can't be, and I am a little fluffy, so you shouldn't be!! )
And, most alarmingly to me, based on the profiles of the men I end up talking to, apparently, I like Bald men.  clean shaven heads seem to be part of what attracts me. 
Who knew?

How Old is That Picture?

This is Jason Stratham.  Anyone who knows me, knows that he is my very favorite actor.  UH-Mazing!  Love, love, love him.  (He is a pretty good actor too, besides being astounding to look at)

I am showing him, because one of the very first guys to contact me, looked very similiar to him.  Bald, chiseled, all of that. 
Plus, talking with the guy, via email first, then text and eventually over the phone, he seemed very genuine.  Funny, caring, talked a lot about his church and what he was reading in his Bible at the time.  Sounded good all around. 
Then he started to ask if I would like to meet up with him.  Not for coffee, or a movie, or for dinner, but for some extra curricular activities.  Only activities.  I said no. 
At one time, he even offered to "let" me buy him dinner first.   I said no. 
After several days of me ignoring him, he called and asked me to meet for a soda, after apologizing profusely for his behavior. 
I finally agreed to the meeting.  So imagine my surprise when the man who showed up at the restaurant looked more like Gollum  than Jason. 
Proof that pictures aren't always what they appear to be!!
Once again, and for the last time, I said NO!!
 

Single men? What are those?

If you have been married for several years, say a decade or more, you tend to not notice, but you don't know any single men.   At least that is what happened for me.  I don't know any single men.  Not one. 
Well, that is not exactly true, I know about 3 or 4.  The bad part of this is that they are the sons of my friends.  That is just creepy and weird on so many levels. 
SO, since it is 2013, and since I am a mother of 4, and not willing to go trolling in bars at night, I joined a dating site.  Gasp!  I know.  I can't believe myself that I did it.  But I did.  I decided to pay for one month, put the profile out there, and see what happened. 
The next several posts will be some of the interesting people I have met along the way. 

I am a 33 year old mother of 4.  So, imagine my surprise, when I received over 200 views in the first week!  Amazing.   Here we go,
Happy Dating, and May the odds be Ever in Your Favor!

The Journey

Life is funny.  Just when you think you know what it will look like in the long run, when you think you know where you are going and what the end result will be, someone comes along and changes the rules. 
In my case, it was when my husband of almost 15 years told me he wanted a divorce. 
I never expected to ever have to date again. 
I never thought I would be looking at men in the grocery store, and checking their left finger for a wedding ring. 
And most certainly, I NEVER thought for a moment that I would be in a position in my life to consider, much less, actually JOIN a dating website. 

This blog is set up as a way to chronicle the journey along the way, the people I meet, the good ones, the bad ones and the just plain "I totally know why you are still single" ones, along with a few extra little humorous tales of my new life along the way. 

I am going to try to be fairly real, and will be using this space to process things also,  so feel free to laugh along with me, it really all is pretty entertaining!

~Mary~